27 March 2008

'Cocktail Decoder' reminds me of chicks I know

The Maxim magazines that are piling up in the men's room at work have become real sources of joy for me. For example, today I am leafing through one with Eva Mendes on the cover and I come across a wonderful little piece entitled "Cocktail Decoder" which purports that one can understand -- or least size up -- women by their choice of alcoholic beverage.

As I'm reading this thing, I realize I'm familiar with many members of the various cocktail types. Observe:

Martini
"She's likely to be high-maintenance, but a serious drinker. Martini women are typically stressed out, depressed, and looking to shift their mood."

At first, I didn't think I knew anyone who fit this category. On later reflection, I realized that martinis are pretty much straight vodka (at least, they are the way my dad makes them). And when I think straight vodka, I think of my dear friend Laura Callender.

Beer
"Downing brews means she's trying to be one of the guys. She can be spontaneous and fun, but she doesn't feel comfortable with her femininity."

This would be Kate ... Kate B, I mean; Kate F. doesn't drink. (I'm not sure what that means.)

Lemon Drops
"This person would be really fun to go out with. She's fashionable, trendy, and fun-loving. She may have street smarts, but she isn't a Rhodes Scholar."

Lauren.

Red Wine
"Wine lovers are health conscious and conservative, but also sensual, warm, and nurturing. She likes the warmth wine gives when it hits her throat."

Tori.

Scotch
"This drink says intelligence. A Scotch-drinking woman is grounded, knows who she is, and doesn't care what anybody thinks."

Liz.

Rum and Coke
"This girl likes to have fun and is really laid-back. If that glass of rum and Coke could speak, it would say, 'I'm going nuts tonight!'"

Alysia. (With two stirring straws, right?)

Champagne
"This girl is elitist, pretentious, wants people to think she's an intellectual, and she wishes she were French. She has a little bit of a fantasy going on."

Uh... I don't know. But she sounds hot.

Cosmo
"She's another high-maintenance chick. She typically doesn't go with the flow and tries a bit too hard to look sophisticated to the people around her."

Hmmm ... well, Cosmos are pretty much glorified vodka-cranberries, right? So this would be ... me?


12 Comments so far

  1. Kate F. March 27th, 2008 10:21 pm

    wtf? You don't know what that means? Make something up!

  2. Ray March 27th, 2008 11:14 pm

    Uh ... it means you are cool?

  3. lizzy March 28th, 2008 1:16 pm

    Remember when we drank booze straight out of halved-melons (like that monkey at the start of the Lion King) at my friend Alex's apartment when you were in Bloomington?

    Anyway, Alex is champagne (though she and I have been known to down a few scotches from time to time)

  4. Ray March 28th, 2008 1:27 pm

    Actually, I didn't remember it until you just told me. That was a brilliant evening.

    I've been thinking of going as that monkey for Halloween this year ... with my cat held up in the air to represent Simba.

    Good to know Alex is champagne. Borderline champagne/scotch, no less. (How fitting.)

  5. Noelle March 28th, 2008 6:15 pm

    I wonder what White Russians mean. I do enjoy objects that tie entire rooms together... maybe thats it.

  6. Ray March 28th, 2008 6:27 pm

    White Russians
    "She may look tame on the outside, but once you get her behind closed doors -- look out! She'll probably re-arrange your furniture. You know, to tie the room together."

  7. Maryann March 31st, 2008 4:50 pm

    As a fan of Maxim, I must say that I'm disappointed after reading the excerpt on beer. I love beer, and it sure as hell isn't because I'm not comfortable with my femininity or I'm trying to be a guy. IT'S BECAUSE IT'S TASTY! I'm so offended.

  8. Ray March 31st, 2008 5:49 pm

    Maryann, you preface your comment by saying you're a fan of Maxim. Maxim is a men's magazine. That's all I'm gonna say.

  9. Maryann March 31st, 2008 7:25 pm

    I realize Maxim is a men's magazine, but women write articles in there, too.....typically about sex, which I can now only assume is the one thing men aren't masters of. So the moral is what....men are experts at decoding my personality via the drink I'm holding, but they still can't find my g-spot? Terrific.

  10. Ray March 31st, 2008 8:15 pm

    I think that pretty much sums up the modern male's plight. :-)

  11. lauren (aka: lemon drop :)) April 3rd, 2008 8:17 pm

    aww, ray - ya got me - dead on. :P
    although, facebook says i'm a mojito - which i agree with as well (a raspberry one, ha).

  12. Ray April 3rd, 2008 10:07 pm

    What can I say? I've got you pegged. Just, you know, not in the good way. ;)

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