Today I called this company to which I had sent a resume in response to an ad in the newspaper. That last part -- responding to an ad in a newspaper -- is generally a hopeless thing because once a job hits a newspaper, the compay is entirely flooded with applicants, many of whom appear exactly like me on paper. And so, since I really wanted to work in this career field -- PR/advertising that is -- and this totally sounded like a job I was qualified for, I wanted to stand out a bit. So I gave this company a call. You know, on the telephone.

After fighting my way through the receptionist by prentending to be someone who had a perfectly legitimate reason calling, I ended up speaking to the owner of the company.

"David Companyname," he said. No hello, so I figured I would provide my own.

"Hello. My name is Ray Blueline. Last week I sent a resume for the position of bookkeeper. Have you recieved it?"

"Uh..... Let me check. Ray Blueline?" he asked.

"Right," I said and was instantly on hold. No elevator music, no nothing. Just silence. Then David reappeared.

"Uh.... OK, l got it right here. Looks like I just got it today." I sorta laughed at that; I mailed it nearly a week ago. Dave continued to mumble "Uh" and "Um" for a few seconds. Maybe he was reading my resume or maybe he was recieving a blowjob under his desk.

"You sound overloaded," I said.

"Umm... how much QuickBooks Pro experience do you have?" he asked.

Shit, I thought, I don't have any. "Unfortuantely, I don't have any QuickBooks Pro experience," I said. I should have added that I am a quick learner when it comes to computers. Of course, I should have had a lot more sex in high school too. A lot more.

"That's the one thing I wish I had included in the ad," he said. He went on to talk about how that's what he was looking for, etc. At least I think that's what he was talking about; I sorta tuned out. When I sensed his kiss-off had come to an end, I went for the quick wrap-up.

"Well, thanks for your time, Dave."

"Sure thing." Click.

INT. BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO - DAY

The store is quiet. RAY, disaffected employee, is standing behind the counter preforming a menial task. ANDREW, the store manager and a British expatriate, flanks him while preforming a slightly less menial task.

SCHULER
I watched that bloody School of Rock movie. What tripe garbage!

RAY
Well I liked it.

SCHULER
If that had been one of my kids, I'd have been calling for that guy's head, not applauding the wanker.

RAY
If you remember, that's what they did want at first.

SCHULER
Oh right. I suppose they were won over by his performance--

RAY
No, it wasn't about him... It was their kids; they created something exciting and wonderful.

SCHULER
Bollocks! They didn't learn anything. That's why you send the little bastards off to school in the first place.

RAY
You are a sad, sad man. Those kids learned how to rock.

SCHULER
No English. No science. No bloody math. These kids have nothing that is going to help them get a job. I mean, do you Americans seriously believe that if you can 'rock' then everything else will be okay?

RAY
Yes.

I hope everyone out there had a warm Valentine's Day on this cold night. Sure I missed the cut-off by an hour-and-a-half, but I still think this sad and ironic link is so apropos:

Obviously as someone who at his most imaginative fancies himself a post-modern cowboy, I think it would be awesome to give someone an Outlaw Rose. Sure, I sense that the story is fake or a joke. But then, what isn't?

Last night I dreamed that a 30-foot tall rabbit was in my back yard, along with a smaller rabbit. And a fox, which killed the smaller rabbit. And then Ryan Carlos showed up with pop singer Nick Carter saying that he wanted me to record some tracks for him.

I ask you, dear reader, what the fuck?

Two-time, two-time, two-time Grammy award winners, Evanescence! Three words: Best. New. Artist. Choke on it 50-Cent!

Incidentally, the nicest thing was to see Evanescence castaways Ben Moody and David Hodges appear on stage with Amy. Especially since Ben Moody now looks like a castaway.

You know... the bizzare hair growth, the obnoxious sense of humor, the guitar playing, the religious devotion -- does Ben Moody remind you of anyone?