My good friend Liz Witman once said to me, "The worst thing anything can ever be is boring." I'm not entirely sure, but I think she was specifically referring to the 2003 MTV Video Music Awards.

Now, traditionally, I really like the VMAs. This is the only award show I ever make it a point to see, because it's always been a hell of an event without being pompous-- equal parts tongue, cheek, ass, ass-kissing and ass-kicking. But this year it was suffering from a terminal case of W.F.C. "who fucking cares."

Chris Rock, who by all rights is the funniest man alive, must have accidentally left most of his wit at home. (Full disclosure: his post-50 cent / G-unit / Snoop Dog quip about "Isn't it nice that Martin Luther King's dream has finally come true" was brilliant.) Still, I'll take glorification over this if the overall quality is going to be low. Speaking of which, Jack Black was unfunny during his appearance. As my sister screamed when he came out, "Ah! Too slapstick." Ditto the puppets and Eminem's thing with them.

As for the awards, the most boring people won in every category. First of all, the VMA's self-proclaimed bridesmaid Missy Elliott winning the big one? I'm asleep. Though I'm glad Good Charlotte won viewer's choice.

And, you might ask, how do you fuck up the presentation of a lifetime achievement award? How about by having grotesque Kelly Osbourne and a clueless Avril Lavigne (whose album I actually liked!) present it? The production crew was so obviously staffed with WCW castoffs that the only people who seemed prepared for the "surprise" VMAs were the "surprise" recipients themselves! Bush league, I say.

The big story, is, of course, the three-way make-out between Madonna, Britney Spears, and Christina Aguilera. Alot creepier than tantalizing, I'm afraid. When the Cocksmen proposed Celebrity Porno, this is obviously not what we had in mind. However, speaking of Christina Aguilera I will say that her performance of "Fighter" featuring (Dave Navarro, who has all the luck, apparently) was the most rockin' thing, and that girl is the one who sang with passion -- fuck the party line about ego-riffic Mary Blige being the soul of the show.

Not even an appearance by Ben Moody and Amy Lee of my beloved Evanescence could bring this show to life. (HAR HAR!) Ben Moody is a funny, mad, spontaneous, genius motherfucker of a swizzle stick, but he looked liked a deer in headlights. He should have been lit and done some crazy-ass shit to stir things up a bit, I say. Amy looked beautiful, though. I don't mind so much that they didn't win anything-- competition was feirce and "Bring Me to Life" is a pretty weak video, but I see big things at VMAs 2k4. Not that I can guarantee that I'll watch it, cuz this shit sucked.